I’ve Got Your Buckeye State Right Here

Monday, August 15, 2011 Runny nose, scratchy throat, OH NOES I have the lurgee

I’ll preface this by saying truthfully, I’ve never BEEN to Ohio. Not even one time. I mean I’ve just never had the opportunity, I’m sure Ohio is delightful and all the jokes I’ve ever made about Cleveland in particular – a city I have never been anywhere near – are totally unfounded and it’s a beautiful, clean, healthy, breathtaking city full of shiny people and goodness. Having said that…

What do you think of when you think of Ohio? Which I’m sure you all do A LOT. Am I right? Of course I am. Maybe you think of it as the gateway to the glorious, sunshiney, cornfed midwest? Maybe it seems more….corporate. I always think of “Office Space”, not because it was set there – I don’t have a clue where it was set – but it seems like it SHOULD have taken place in Ohio.

Perhaps you live in Ohio and are already sharpening a shiv out of a wooden spoon to gauge out my eyes at the first hint of a derogatory mention of your fine state? Well don’t you get all stabby with me Miss or Sir.

Despite Ohio being a midwestern state, it pays to remember that it also borders Kentucky making areas like Cincinnati more Southern than midwestern because, seriously, have you heard people from Cincinnati talk? And rumour has it they possibly have a lower ratio of teeth than in say…Cleveland. I’m just saying. You can’t argue with geography, people. Somewhere there's a teeth:geographical region pie chart in this but luckily for you all, I'm too lazy to make it.

So Ohio. What informative drivel can I tell you? Its borders are formed by The Ohio River to the south (“Great tragedy on the River Ohio!” “What’s in my hand?” “Chapstick!” AAAAAAAGH!!!! Semi obscure movie reference although the movie's set in WV. ) and Lake Erie on its northern side and it borders the states of Indiana, Michigan, Kentucky, West Virginia, Pennsylvania and Ontario, which isn’t a state at all, because it’s a province in Canada. See? Try to keep up.

Now according to the warring gods of the internetz, a total of either seven or eight presidents hailed from Ohio (they can't agree) – although perusing the list they’re mainly the ones you’ve either never heard of or you’ve vaguely heard of but wouldn’t know their faces if they got up and slapped the smirk off your face with a wet fish. Except Ulysses S. Grant. I mean who hasn’t heard of that dude? Also? Interesting observation: You never hear of anyone calling their baby “Ulysses” anymore do you? Let's start a new trend, people.

“Get to the goddamn dirty Heathens already, Veg!” I can hear you cry. Well. Keep your panties on, blogworld. I’m getting to it. Approximately 15-17% of Ohioans are not religiously affiliated and don’t see the importance of religion. You go on with your bad selves, Ohio! Despite this, its state motto is “With God all things are possible” so thanks for that, other 83-85%! I’d tell you how it compares to the other states we’ve covered but that would require going back and researching my own entries and well…clearly that’s not going to happen as I have the attention span of a stem of rhubarb. Probably from being a dirty Heathen myself. But I think it’s in the middle range somewhere. No? Perhaps?

I was interested to find out that Ohio’s state drink is tomato juice. For real. Tomato Juice. Not even a bloody Mary! Just plain tomato juice. Who knew that was even a thing? Juice without alcohol. *shakes head in wonder*.

What other facts can I tell you that will knock your socks off regarding Ohio? That the first traffic light in the United States was erected in Cleveland? Because it was. In 1914! Or that Akron Ohio is the rubber capital of the world. I don’t know about you but I am now picturing all SORTS of hilarious things going on in Akron.

That might just be me…

What else? Oh yes:

- The first hot dog was invented in Ohio.

- 50% of the population of the United States lives within a 500 mile radius of Columbus, Ohio. For real. 50 percent. Holy shit.

- Cleveland was the world’s first city to be electrically lit. Yes really!

- The first cash register was invented in Dayton, Ohio.

See? Don’t say I never teach you anything. Now wasn't that all riveting? Aren't you happy it's over? I'M happy it's over.

Minnesota: Where The People Are Hearty and The Rain is Purple

Friday, March 18th, 2011 – Cadbury mini-crème eggs in fridge, fire in my heart

Hey guess what you guys get for the weekend? A little thing about Minnesota, written in the morning when I’m drunk with incoherence. How lucky are YOU?

Minnesota. Home of corn-fed, wholesome, ruddy cheeked blonde people of Germanic and Scandinavian descent, who all talk funny. That’s pretty much the general consensus by people not from Minnesota, who don’t quite realize Minnesota’s rather tremendous helping of awesome. Because it’s a fine, fine state – at least in the summer time, when it’s hot, dry, pretty and filled with lush, albeit flat, scenery and more lakes than you can shake a stick at. Whatever that means. Also, its state drink is milk. I’m not even kidding about that, it’s milk. Having said that, apparently the state muffin is blueberry, which probably complements milk, nicely. I don’t know. My mind’s still officially blown that the state drink isn’t icy cold German beer served in a colossal, horny stein.

Minnesota, you’ll be overjoyed to learn, is the 32nd state of the 50 United States and one of the biggest, even though around 60% of its residents live in or around the Twin Cities of state capital St. Paul and Minneapolis – a city filled with art, culture, an interesting light rail system and more importantly the kick ass home of great bar food and Tiki drinks, Psycho Suzies. It’s also dear to my heart because it houses the only “Sonic” for miles around.  Frozen cranberry limeade? I think so!

Minnesota is one of the more liberal states in the country, probably because in winter, it’s way too cold to get fancy with the conservatism. Hell, Minnesotans will kill and wear a bear if it keeps them from the frigid temperatures. You know…allegedly. When they’re not too busy ironing their lederhosen and making pierogies.

Wikipedia helpfully informs me that Minnesota’s temperature span can go from its record low of minus sixty degrees F. to its record high of 116 degrees F. (and I can attest to this) so either way, whenever you’re in Minnesota you’re in for some form of temperatural distress. I may have made that word up just now, but doesn’t it sound impressive? Anyway, if visiting the state be prepared to either freeze your balls off or sweat your ass off. However you look at it, your netherlands lose.

Did you also know that Minnesota is the most northern of the United States, besides Alaska? Because it is. It’s practically up in Canada and in fact, if you hang around East Grand Forks long enough with your guard down, there’s a chance a secret ninja army of Canadians will come down and kidnap you and haul you over the border on the back of a moose, just so they can keep you in their basements to hear you go, “Ya, ya, you betcha it’s cold, ya!”

Sorry, I got sidetracked by fantasy for a moment there…

The heathen contingent, you ask? 13%. Wow Minnesota. You let me down, Minnesota. Take a walk on the wild side, why don’t you? I should note, this number rises to about 53% when I’ve been there and there’s been a local beer tasting.

Finally, you can’t really mention Minnesota without talking about dainty, purple, strawberry flavoured, singing elf, Prince (or *$%&@^$ as he’s probably now known), the Minnesota Twins baseball team or the Vikings, whose atrociously loud t-shirts adorning the ample personage of busty, blonde girls, seem to fill the senses with purple panic.

And that about does it for Minnesota. It’s early on Friday morning, for crying out loud, what do you want, something that makes SENSE? Have a joyous weekend!