Disjointed Nonsense!

I just got back from visiting my mum for a couple of weeks. It was a whirlwind visit consisting of six flights, much turbulence, jet lag, and eating the approximate equivalent gross national product of a small nation, while consuming enough alcoholic beverages to sink a tanker if placed on top of it just right.

The trip itself though - the trip was laborious, to say the least. Those flights were long and by the third flight on the outbound journey - where it turned out I had not one but two (TWO!) loud, unhappy toddlers seated directly behind me and one of them was clearly beating the back of my seat with an oar or something - I would've happily watched Donald Trump have relations with a hippopotamus, if it meant avoiding getting on board another plane.

Actually, I'd watch that any day! Although I'd feel for the hippo.

It didn't help that when my second flight landed in lovely Halifax, Nova Scotia - I assume it is lovely, I wouldn't know - stuff looked like this:

Yeah, that is fog. We had a fuel thing going on though - blah blah, I don't want to know about ways you're possibly trying to kill me, WestJet - so we got to land, whereas a lot of flights were less lucky. I say "lucky" but I'm not sure that's the word. "Bumpy" might be better. "Skiddy" would certainly be accurate. Did I hurl though? I did not. My innards remained in place. You'd be so proud.

This photo, incidentally, is the exact moment of touchdown, because rest assured, even when landing in severe wind and fog, and thinking death is imminent, I will still do the world a solid by getting out my phone and taking a photo. You're welcome.

In the airport, I had a five hour wait, which was just as awesome as it sounds. A one hour flight, a five hour flight, followed by a five hour wait, followed by a six hour flight? Yes please. Just sign me up for that ALL OF THE MONOTONY. I filled the five hours by stuffing sandwiches down my food hole and rocking in a rocking chair while staring at the fog in a trance. See my fantastic view below:

YUP.

All airports should have rocking chairs. Seriously. This video might work if you have flash player, but whatever. PRETEND.

Anyway, I finally got to Scotland and it was sunny, which both delighted and terrified me, because usually, the second I arrive, the heavens open and the rain apocalypse comes, but seeing sunshine was unexpected and ominous. What could it mean? End of times? I had mysteriously landed on some parallel universe version of Scotland? I watch "Star Trek" I know what goes on. I mean who knows where we went in all that fog?

I celebrated the fact I was alive and had been awake for over 24 hours, by having a soothing beverage at my sister's house while grinning crazily and talking to the cat.

Don't panic though. That might be the only non alcoholic drink to pass my lips in twelve days.

Some other day when I wasn't consuming a vat of delicious food or punishing my liver, we took some dogs out for a walk in the woods, which was nice and gave me some exercise. The weather was so great, I still don't quite believe it.

That lab never stopped moving. I mean seriously, he was like a tiny, canine hurricane. Also, there's no delicate way to put this, but I never saw a dog produce such immense piles of excrement as this dog. It was like....seasoned mountaineers would get lost on those things. No, there is no picture. Again, you're welcome.

Did I mention there was alcohol? Rhubarb vodka cocktails in the garden, yes please!

I spent a fair bit of time at my sisters where we cooked and ate and drank (see above and below). I think this next photo accurately shows the ratio of those activities...

There are VEGETABLES there, don't give me your crap!

I also got to hang out with my friends too which was great. We had dinner (of course!) and one day we headed to the beach and had more delicious food then a hearty walk on the beach, even though a gale was blowing. We're not afraid of no stinking weather, however! No Sir. 

I did cry when I combed my hair, however.

A colorful log. Why not? Then it got greyer.

That weather wants to mess with me.

After the beach, we had ice cream sodas and I had a hot date with this guy. He's all about pillaging. Yes those ARE palm trees! In Scotland. I know, right!

At some point, on some other day, cocktails were had in the city, with my sister. Things are a tad hazy but I do remember how good they were and how expensive, and also full of fruity, hardcore goodness. See? Vitamins people! One of these is rhubarb and custard flavor. All I can say is YES. They are both pink because I am a lady. My sister's drink on the right had a chili on it, which is clearly blasphemous in a beverage, but she swears it was fabulous.

It's possible we had more than one drink. It's only polite.

Fizzy!

OK, we had several, sue me.

After all that, we had food, I lost the will to live, and at some point there was a train ride, after which I was home and took off my pants in case I bent over and accidentally shot someone in the face with a button blasting off from the strain.

Eventually my liver quit and I decided to fly home. Another three flights that made me want to stick pins in my own eyes. This time I had no toddlers kicking my seat and screeching, so that was an instant score and the entire flight was in daylight, although I kept annoyingly travelling back in time until I had no concept of anything whatsoever. Which is about normal for me.

I did get to fly over the Rockies when it wasn't cloudy for once though!

So now I'm home. And summer's here. And I'm at work although clearly I'm not because I'm typing this dribble. 

And because you can't have everything.